Artwork by Carrie (Star005 @ soompi)


I was afraid to face him.

I shouldn’t have attended the ceremony. I couldn’t find the courage to walk up to him. I didn’t have the will to look into his eyes and smile. I wanted to die.

When he pulled away from her, I saw him laugh at something she had said before he walked away. There was something extremely wrong with the picture. It was so horribly wrong all it took was a two-second glance to determine that. I didn’t even need another minute to reanalyze or reconsider my deposition. It was so out of order it haunted me. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to question the source of disturbance. I stood paralyzed at the entrance of the hall while guests bustled to and fro, brushing past me in sheer excitement. I never understood why birthday parties were such a big frivolous event. Maybe that’s because nobody ever organized one for me.

I dared not to breathe for I was afraid the motion would attract his attention. The slightest hiss would overpower the festive noise level. Then it’d be more than just his attention I would have acquired. He raised his hand into the air to reveal a loosely clasped watch that dangled from his slender wrist. He was confirming the time. His lips curled to a pout which quickly turned downward to a frown. Could he be expectant of me? A flicker of hope skipped through my heart.

My hesitant state forged a power that allowed me to linger, to stall, to avoid contact. It also provided shelter and an emergency escape plan. Should I turn around, I’d break free from this hellhole. But I couldn’t. I didn’t.

Seconds turned into minutes and passed without a dull moment. At the corner of my sanctuary, I found myself praying for a phone call that would suddenly wake me from my misery. As a mere observant, such display of affection and happiness was too much for me to bear.

Too much for me to tolerate.

However, that call never came.

And I never moved.

♥

“She must really love you,” I dared myself to whisper with my eyes still attached to her beautifully exposed figure. I quietly drank my soon-to-spill tears as I turned to level my eyes with his. When he approached me, I had almost wished he’d walk past me. Instead, his lanky figure drew to a stop right before me in the shadows. Then a sudden change in the atmosphere loomed above us. We had grown quiet as the world around us shrilled noisily while the minutes of his birthday celebration ticked by. I fell in love all over again. But I no longer found myself in the mirror of his eyes. I saw somebody else in my place. That person being her.I forced a smile, a very tight one. I had wished my heart was as rigid as my lips. I couldn’t bear another second in the hall, another moment with him. I couldn’t accept the truth because I didn’t want to.

“Yeah, she does,” he answered just as softly. He didn’t flinch when he said that. It sounded so cool and calm it pierced right through me. It was a fact, not an opinion. Since when did I resent facts?

“Do you love her too?” It slipped. It honestly did. But I wanted to hear it from him so that everything between us could be finalized.

There was a brief moment of silence.

He was taking quite a while to consider the inquiry. I felt the bitter tears crowd my stinging eyes. I dared not to blink for I was afraid he’d disappear before me and reappear by her side. I wasn’t willing to let go. I wanted an answer. Not like it would change our current standing but it would provide me some closure.

I watched him wet his lips. With a shaky intake of breath, he croaked, “Yes.” He had his hands by his side when he said that. There was no gesture, no signs of comfort, nothing to console my dying soul.

It fell. I only allowed it to fall because I love him. He stung my pride and was true to his word. He’d have me crawling back to him in despair, begging for him to return. I smiled once again right after I took a deep breath. I shook myself off and cleared my eyes. There were so much unshed tears that will never make it to see daylight, especially in front of him. I held up the wrapped present and placed it into the safety of his hands.

“It’s not my birthday…”

I stilled.

“We’re engaged, Jaejoong. This is our engagement party.”

At this, I go blank. I grow cold and numb. I become mute. I turn deaf to the disgusting wails of joy that blatantly mocked me. Harsh invisible light cast me blind. If my eyes were still upon him when he said this, then I have lost my eyesight.

Just what right does she have to take your heart away?

Does she love you any more than I do? The way she corrects you, persuade you to change your mind, and in a heartbeat – steal you away. She reads you better than I do.

She has to love you more than I do for you to overlook me. Her maturity overshadowed my pride. I cannot be compared to her. She and I are complete opposites.

Jung Yunho, you sure know how to pick them. From one extreme to the other.

I slowly retreated out the comfort of his shadows. His mouth moved yet everything sounded so faint. I blinked away the sudden tears that sprung to my eyes.

“I’m the best man.” With that, I pivoted around to make my grand exit. I can only cry behind his back as I step out into the dark frosty February night.