Because I’m a Girl
Because I’m a girl, I’m automatically labeled useless. I am condemned to be something stupid and worthless. I am nothing to anybody.
I am a girl.
I am a jinx.
I am the middle child, a daughter. I am born to a middle class family. My parents work in factories and my older brother died not too long after I was born. He was five. I have learned to take on all responsibilities, the ups and downs of the family. I am told over and over again: I’m stupid, dumb, a new monkey breed with a hard skull. I never made it in school because of this. I was duped to believe was too dumb to even be considered for school. I was in school for a month before my parents showed up to withdraw me. They explained to the administrators I have problems, learning disabilities. Moreover, I was too dumb to accept anything that’s taught to me. I remembered the teachers stared at my parents as if they were the ones with problems. They did.
Me.
I’m a girl.
“Soo Young is a very bright child. There’s nothing wrong with her,” the principal argued. He had shown my grades to my parents and he seemed to be confused.
My parents didn’t care. They were illiterate. They didn’t care for grades. They wanted points, numbers. They don’t care for comments or funny looking little Korean characters that stood in place of a full hundred. They didn’t understand the grading system of the schools because they never went to schools themselves. They weren’t satisfied and insisted was wasting their money.
The principal frowned. “I don’t see how. She’s wonderful. She’s far more advanced than everybody else in her class. I’ve heard nothing but praises for this child. All the teachers have told me she’s always the first to grasp a new concept that’s taught to the class. I don’t see how she’s wasting your money or that she has learning disabilities.” Then he turned to me. “Don’t you like school, Soo Young?”
I wanted to jump up and down and nod. However, I turned to glance at my parents. Their menacing eyes and scowls frightened me so I didn’t answer. I could only stare at the principal and remained quiet. He waiting and I could tell he knew I was afraid of my parents. He saw their expressions. He knew.
“I don’t see the need to withdraw.”
“She’s too good for the school,” my mother snapped.
The principal’s mouth fell open.
“Like you said, she’s smart. I think we need to find her a better school. We would like the refund we’re entitled to.”
I pleaded with the principal with my eyes. I knew what was to happen. They have no plans of taking me to another school. They wanted to take away my only joy. Time away from home brought comfort and relief to me and they were denying me the comfort. I’m not smart; I’m not too good for the school. They wanted to take everything away from me. Everything anybody could have.
There was nothing else the principal could say. He knew. I have appeared in school with massive bruises and scars. Everybody has seen them. They knew. But there was nothing they could do about it. They knew if they interfered, the only one that’s to suffer was I. They wouldn’t be wrong. I was the one.
Because I am a girl.
Soon my days of education were gone and I was ordered to be home all day. I was to watch my younger brother, Soo Won, who’s now six and I’m eight. He attends school. The same on I attended a few years ago. I was to take him to school and bring him back. Cook, clean, and wash for him. I was to help him. He’s not at all bad, just playful. He had a way of charming people with his smile, this big fat smile. I’m happy. Whenever that smile appears, I could only smile along. He’s the only one that could bring smiles to everybody’s faces. I was once caught smiling along with my brother and my mother slapped me.
“What are you smirking at?! Go get some more soup for your brother! Can’t you see he’s done?!”
That was another thing. I wasn’t allowed to dine with the family. I was to eat leftovers and most of the time there weren’t any. Soo Won consumes a lot and my parents constantly overstuff him. I have to stand aside and wait for their commands: they needed more rice, soup, sauces, and spices, whatever. I had to clean after them and if anything went wrong, their natural reaction was to start beating me. I have grown used to it. To have them not beat me is like a person without eyelashes. It’s a weird comparison but it’s true. I suppose beating me comes with the stress reliever package.
Days have gone on all the same. It was routine. They beat me until I bleed out but that’s rarely a point for them to stop. The only time they were stop is when they’re hungry or tired. And that’s hardly. They were always angry, not once were they ever tired. Soo Won is the opposite. He’s always whining and crying. He sleeps a majority of the time and other times he’s eating. He does poorly in school but that didn’t matter much to him or my parents. As long as he has enough sleep and enough to eat, nothing else mattered.
His teachers called home and I was responsible for delivering the message. It was the principal. A parent-teacher conference was requested. Soo Won was falling behind.
“Oma,” I whispered when I took her coat and things from her. She sat down on the couch to play with Soo Won while I poured her a cup of tea. I told her about the call from school and waited for a reaction. Sure enough, it came.
She splashed the steaming cup of tea at me, causing most of it to get on Soo Won, making him scream with shocking pain. I yelled just as painfully while the liquid scorched my already pink skin. I hurried to help clean the hot tea off Soo Won but my mother shoved me away. “Get away from him, you evil thing. Look at what you’ve done!” Once she calmed Soo Won of his cries and wails, she turned to me with her pair of beady and deadly eyes. She grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and started scratching my face. She slapped me several times, making my head turn this way and that. I was dizzy and by the time she got through with me, I was already on the floor. I had blacked out and when she saw there was no need to continue, she stopped and took Soo Won out to eat. My father must’ve gone with them because when I came to, I was alone.
I got up and went to the bathroom to see the damage.
I couldn’t see myself.
There were scars all over my face and it was caked with dry blood. I winced, triggering immediate pain. I released a small cry. I wanted to scream and yell like Soo Won but I couldn’t. The pain was unbearable. I wanted to scratch away the hot burning sensation. My face was bruised and swollen, my hair tangled in a wild mess.
Is this how the devil looks like? Is this why my mother calls me evil?
I managed to clean myself with whatever I could. The stinging pain was unmerciful. It teamed with my mother against me, hurting me like wildfire. It was burning and burning. Slowly eating away the flesh on my face. I tried hard not to scratch myself; I tried even harder to ignore the blazing sensation. It was hard. I cleaned up the mess my mother left behind in haste, picking up the broken pieces of her cup. The tea was close to drying up on the floor, there were still tiny spots gleaming on the floor. I dried the floor and took out the trash. Since there wasn’t a need to cook dinner, I didn’t bother. I wasn’t hungry.
The nice auntie next door waved to me but paused once I raised my head. I saw her eyes grow wide with concern as she hurried to her door and threw the latch up. “What happened?” she asked. She rushed to me and placed her cool, gentle hand upon my face. “Your mother hit you again?”
I nodded. I looked around for signs of my parents.
“Where did she go?”
I didn’t answer. I knew better than to answer. I could only answer her with my eyes.
“She went out with your brother?”
I nodded again.
She glanced around and took me by the hand. I pulled back motioned I had to get back home. She reluctantly released her grip on me. I ran home and slammed the door, hoping my parents won’t return him till really late. About five minutes later, I heard a knock on the door. I looked up, wondering who it could be.
“Who is it?”
There was no answer.
I got curious and slowly pried the door open. It was the auntie. I opened the door wider and invited her in. “What are you doing here?”
She led me to the couch and patted for me to sit next to her. Then she took out several bottles and started applying the contents to my face. It was then I realized she had come over with ointments and medication. She was trying to ease off the pain. She did everything she could in a quick manner. She knew if she didn’t leave before my parents got home, I’d be in more trouble. “Tell your oma I’m looking to borrow her needles if she asks. The ones I have broke last week.”
I nodded as she finished up. I walked her to the door and thanked her. It was hard to believe anybody was treating me so kindly. She was gentle and warm, somebody I would want as my mother. She made her exit as I went back to the kitchen to clean up. Just as I had hoped, my parents arrived home – with Soo Won asleep in their arms – later that night. I had fallen asleep on the couch waiting for them. I got up and took their things and waited until they went to bed before going to bed myself.
I only slept for about four hours when the first rays of sunlight touched my eyes. I had to wake up and prepare breakfast. I checked on Soo Won and patted his head. He was sleeping like a curled up porcupine. He was a sight to watch even when he’s asleep.
I repeated the chores I have learned to memorize in a timely order. I prepared what I normally do and waited for time to pass. It was soon for them to get out of bed and I went to wake up Soo Won. He woke up with a raging fit, crying and wailing for me to leave him alone. That eventually woke up my mother and she stormed in and smacked me upside my head. I didn’t offer any explanation. They weren’t valid. When she demanded for an answer, I pointed at the clock. That silenced her. She immediately picked up Soo Won and prepared him for school. She cooed him through the whole ordeal and for the first time, she didn’t hit me as much as she did every other day.
However, her loud shrieking filled my ears once she saw what I cooked for breakfast.
“WHERE ARE THE NOODLES?! You can’t expect Soo Won to eat that!” she bellowed.
I was confused. Soo Won ate the same thing every morning, why wasn’t he able to eat it today? I didn’t ask but hurried to cook him a bowl of noodles.
“Get out! You’ll just poison him and kill him, you ungrateful brat!”
I retreated to my room and waited for more commands. Then they left. My father took Soo Won to school as my mother left for the factory. I was left home to clean their rooms. My face still ached and it wasn’t any better than yesterday. The school called again and I took down the message. I told them to call back later in the evening, hopefully that way my mother wouldn’t think I was lying.
There was nothing else for me to do and so I took a small nap. It was nice to sleep peacefully without constant fear and worry of doing something wrong. I woke up right around the time to leave. I got up and got ready to pick Soo Won up. I got to the school just as he was coming out. We held hands as we walked home, passing by a small corner store. He stopped and asked me for candy. Just my luck, I didn’t bring any money with me. Not like I get any, but occasionally I find loose change when I clean. I shook my head and explained I didn’t have money. He started screaming and fussing. The people that passed by stopped to glance at us before moving on.
I ignored Soo Won’s behavior and dragged him home. “I’ll get it for you when we get home.”
But I never got it for him.
My parents were home earlier than usual and they were apparently waiting for us to arrive. When they saw Soo Won’s tear-stained face, they questioned him.
“Nuna,” Soo Won sobbed. He pointed his fat finger at me. “Nunaaaaaaaaaaaaa!”
They turned to me with wild eyes. He didn’t even get to finish telling them the whole story and they pounced on me without a second’s consideration. My father handed the beating board to my mother and they cornered me. They snatched me up and waved the wide wooden stick in my face. I had my eyes squeezed shut as they began to discipline me. The splinters. I tried so hard to block them from my memory bank but it was impossible as they dug into my flesh. I wanted to scream and cry but that was not permitted. I wasn’t allowed to cry when I get beaten. I heard my mother yell at me, my father curse me up and down, and my brother laughing.
This is punishment.
Because I’m a girl.
“What did I do to deserve this? Huh?! Why did I even give birth to you? I knew it from the moment your brother died, you were evil! You evil, evil, evil thing! Now you want to destroy your younger brother?!”
The whacks came harder and faster. The hot, agonizing pain sunk in. my arms, my legs, my whole body was on fire. I was numb. My mother was breathing hard as her hair became wild. Her face was dark, clouded by red anger. My back was stiff as another crushing blow came down on me.
I felt myself collapse, the world slowly diminishing right before my eyes. Before I closed my eyes for a brief moment, I felt somebody lift me into the air. When I opened them, I found myself in my father’s arms. He was carrying me away. Amidst all the commotion, I failed to realize I was being taken away. My head hammered on cue with each aching throb that pulsed throughout my body. A sudden rush of air knocked me senseless. In less than a minute, a familiar bang sounded behind me.
The door.
Like a rag doll, my father held me high above his waist. In a blur, I saw what looked like a boy sitting on the nice auntie’s fence. He was waving at me. My head flopped with each step my father took. I rose higher. Higher. I was no longer at waist level. Higher. Higher.
I knew what was to happen next.
But I couldn’t protest.
He hurled me into the corner, my body slamming against the cold hard metal trash barrels. I winced as more hushed tears sprung to eyes.
Soo Won laughed merrily at the window as I watched with my hooded eyes from the corner I huddled in. my father retreated inside and quietly closed the door behind him. They patted Soo Won’s head affectionately and I watched my mother kiss the top of his head. Then they took him to the kitchen to show him the cake they had bought for him.
It was his birthday.
I found no strength to stand. If they called for me, I wouldn’t be able to move. I couldn’t take anymore of the beating so I willed myself to stand. But all the energy I once had was gone. I felt my life drain from my limbs, my body. Just like the blood that is slowly leaking everywhere.
They left me to die.
All because I’m a girl.
